The Beginning

Imperfection is beauty; madness is genius. And it’s better to be absolutely ridiculous than absolutely boring. -MM

It is the beginning, and before anything changes, I think that I should explain my reasons for all this. So that it can help us. And for my own purposes, so that I can come back if it goes wrong, and understand what I have done.

Tomorrow will be my first day on Adderall. Day 1. I plan to take 10mg/day each week day for the time that it takes me to lose 30lbs. Once I've attained my goal, I'm going to have to decide whether or not to stay on, come down, or come off entirely. And as I understand completely, there will be risks involved in all three options.

It all started very simply, and despite my frequently verbalized hesitations or concerns about acquiring the drug, I actually came by it very easily. A good friend of mine has lost nearly 50lbs on Adderall in less than a year, which he managed to have prescribed for what was probably actually a mild form of borderline personality disorder (or BPD http://www.nimh.nih.gov/publicat/bpd.cfm). Driven by his love for drugs; narcotics, prescription amphetamines, alcohol and otherwise, he managed to find a Doctor with an endless RX pad and a willing hand. As soon as the Valium he was handed initially began making him too tired, it was on to Adderall, and the weight started falling off. Soon, he was taking twice and three times the recommended dosage, and the days of drinking a bottle of Malbec and ordering four entrees of Falafel Pitas had ended. I was alone in my late night binges, and he all but melted away. I'm not judging him. It's what he is and how he copes, and I'd prefer his addictions to be monitored by doctors, when all is said and done.

And I was jealous. Here was someone, like me, who had tried. Who had failed and failed, and gone hungry, and walked endlessly, and stopped smoking and drank water, and cut out carbs and joined a gym, puked, and stopped eating after 7pm and counted calories, and here he was now, doing none of those things...nothing at all, in fact. And he was suddenly someone else. Someone thin, who didn't crave a turkey burger right after his morning yogurt parfait. Someone who wasn't half listening but thinking about the Mexican food we were on our way to eat. He looked calm, acted toward food as though it neither smelled nor looked good at all. Like it wasn't even meant to be eaten, let alone coveted. He didn't miss it. Didn't crave it, and didn't have to throw it up, or sweat it off to keep from watching the scale continue to rise. I've heard it about every diet I've ever been on. "If I can do it," they say, "then so can you." It never meant a thing, until I saw my friend win his struggle with food. And he was the one, who suddenly had all of the control.

So I read and read and studied and researched, and I thought of other options and all of the reasons why not to pursue this. And I thought of my heart, and of will-power, and of being myself and remaining above it, and of my boyfriend who loves me despite my extra layers. Of beating the bulge and sweating it off. And every time, the lust to be thin remained. And the cautions I faced, became worth to me everything I stood to gain. The speed, the control, the results- the possibility that this will work is so much better than any other possibilities that I faced as I saw it. And so I went to a doctor with a thick RX pad and a willing hand. I lied through a test that said I was in terrible need of ADD medication, I scheduled an EKG for next month as a follow up, and I filled twice the recommended dosage of Adderall at my local pharmacy later that same day.

I spent the weekend drinking white wine, rose and bottles of beer in the park, in the sunshine, in my apartment, and eating as much Labor Day weekend picnic food as anyone else. I feel fat an unhappy right now, and I'm anxious to be able to look at my lunch with indifference tomorrow. A weekend wasted, stuffing myself to feel full. I know the kind of full I'm looking for will never come from food, or from not eating food either. But I have to try this. To see if my weight, and the ever-elusive control over it, are worth what I'm about to go through.

Wish me luck!