Day 8 / Anger Management

As of this morning it's been one week since I started. And I've had a lot of the usual symptoms associated with an unnecessary intake of speed. I've been way too busy to log any entries here, but you can't imagine the level of productivity! To Do's that have been sitting on my desk for months were knocked out in the first few hours of day one. I don't even remember what it feels like to be tired, and I sat through an entire Mets game last night without ever glancing away from the field.

"What did you eat?" Bryan asked.
Nothing.
"Did you drink?"
Nope.
"You didn't drink at all? Or eat anything? What did you do?" He asked.
I watched the game.
"You're a better fan than I am," he laughed.
It's just that I couldn't have looked away if I wanted to. The 20mg of amphetamines pumping through my interior prohibited me from engaging in any thoughts or actions other than the game below me. I actually watched, enjoyed, and was able to report back on all nine innings. Amazing.

Last weekend I decided to take a break for two days, as recommended by my Doctor- if you can call him that. I wouldn't have been able to run the New York marathon, but I did OK. I made it to two parties and a few bars, all told. I managed to avoid any 2am stops for pizza, and I actually didn't wake up feeling ravenous either day. Missie and I went to brunch on Sunday and I left more than half of my frittata on its plate. This was exactly the kind of response I was hoping for my body to have. In only a week, despite a few infrequent pangs, overall I am feeling neither hungry, nor NOT hungry. I am feeling a sort of indifference to food. It's wonderful.

My only complaint so far, and its a big one, is that my already uneven distemper has tilted a bit toward the evil side, from what I can tell. Some of Bryan's generally unappealing habits have become almost intolerable. Someone asking me a stupid question at work results in a hysterical attack of rage, though I try to keep it to myself. I've considered on more than one occasion actually just throwing an elbow into a crowd that isn't abiding the unspoken rules of the sidewalk or subway platform. People are disgusting me left and right, and although you might say, "You were always a bit judgemental," this - I can assure you- is much worse than usual.

I think it could be a combination of the hormones (birth control) with the Adderall that is producing this unappealing side-effect. Of course, the birth control will be the first to go.

I've tried just talking it out with my friends and boyfriend, to see if I can calm myself down. In the cases of my friends, (who are wonderful) as supportive as they may be, I can see a look in their eyes that makes me a little nervous as I speak. In fact, more than one person has looked at me strangely in the last week, which makes me think I may be a bit more cracked out than I can tell. Needless to say, Bryan -relaxed as ever- told me that my rage was just something in myself that I had to overcome, and offered little else to help me solve the problem. Unfortunately, he's right, and I hate to admit that the drugs might have something to do with it. But I suppose they might.

In the next few weeks, I'm going to try harder to remain calm, and also try to switch out the BC for something that might make me a little less hostile. In the mean time, I'll need to take deep breaths and think happy thoughts. A lot has changed in the last week, and as more and more life piles onto my plate (new job, impending move to Chicago, new kitten, etc) I get the sense that I'll really have to focus on maintaining a sense of calm, or the excitability could get the better of me. But the rest of it has been bearable, and at the end of week one, I still stand behind my decision.

Days completed: 7
Weight loss: 3lbs
Workouts: 3