My stomach is churning. There is a golf ball sized lump in my throat and I feel light headed. The buzzing in my brain is back, like it was the first day. All in all- I feel like shit.
I hadn't taken a pill since Friday morning, and by the end of last night (Sunday) I was feeling hungry and lethargic, a bit paranoid and mildly depressed. One might argue that this is the way most people feel on a boring Sunday night, the work week looming only hours ahead in the distance. But it isn't. Not for me. Not ordinarily.
To be fair to my drug, there are a lot of unsettling goings on in my professional and personal life this week. I'm leaving in the morning for four days in Chicago, where I will go on my first sales calls, speak to and deal with my two potential future bosses, and start looking for apartments in my new city. Last night I was trying to think of ways to back out, to decline the offer, and to say I'm just not interested, thank you.
But for the first time this morning, I hated New York, looking as I emerged from the subway like an ugly, irritating place. I felt for a moment that I couldn't wait to get out. And then the thought of this job impending and this company and all its stresses, and the stress of the Holidays and moving, and that I'm giving up everything I ever thought I wanted here, and suddenly all I wanted was to lay down on 42nd st and cry, because it felt like the world was spinning wildly out of control, and that holding on was the only way I'd avoid flying into the unknown. When I sat down at my desk, the office was quiet. And I know I'm the only one who is panicked, and I'll need to act normally for now.
My whole body is in knots, and taking my pill this morning didn't make me feel better. It made me more anxious. Instead of sleepy, now it feels like my eyes are pinned open, and it's better than taking a nap on my boss's couch, which I would be doing if not for the speed. I know that a lot of my problems this morning are real problems, concerns that have been exacerbated by the chemical ups and downs of the past four days. But it feels like shit.
No weight loss to report.
Only one more workout. (Probably the reason for lack of weight loss, wouldn't you say?)
About Me
- Jen
- Finn: What's it like not to feel anything? Estella: Let's say there was a little girl, and from the time she could understand, she was taught to fear... let's say she was taught to fear daylight. She was taught that it was her enemy, that it would hurt her. And then one sunny day, you ask her to go outside and play and she won't. You can't be angry at her can you? Finn: I knew that little girl and I saw the light in her eyes, and no matter what you say or do, that's still what I see. Estella: We are who we are. People don't change.
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