My stomach is churning. There is a golf ball sized lump in my throat and I feel light headed. The buzzing in my brain is back, like it was the first day. All in all- I feel like shit.
I hadn't taken a pill since Friday morning, and by the end of last night (Sunday) I was feeling hungry and lethargic, a bit paranoid and mildly depressed. One might argue that this is the way most people feel on a boring Sunday night, the work week looming only hours ahead in the distance. But it isn't. Not for me. Not ordinarily.
To be fair to my drug, there are a lot of unsettling goings on in my professional and personal life this week. I'm leaving in the morning for four days in Chicago, where I will go on my first sales calls, speak to and deal with my two potential future bosses, and start looking for apartments in my new city. Last night I was trying to think of ways to back out, to decline the offer, and to say I'm just not interested, thank you.
But for the first time this morning, I hated New York, looking as I emerged from the subway like an ugly, irritating place. I felt for a moment that I couldn't wait to get out. And then the thought of this job impending and this company and all its stresses, and the stress of the Holidays and moving, and that I'm giving up everything I ever thought I wanted here, and suddenly all I wanted was to lay down on 42nd st and cry, because it felt like the world was spinning wildly out of control, and that holding on was the only way I'd avoid flying into the unknown. When I sat down at my desk, the office was quiet. And I know I'm the only one who is panicked, and I'll need to act normally for now.
My whole body is in knots, and taking my pill this morning didn't make me feel better. It made me more anxious. Instead of sleepy, now it feels like my eyes are pinned open, and it's better than taking a nap on my boss's couch, which I would be doing if not for the speed. I know that a lot of my problems this morning are real problems, concerns that have been exacerbated by the chemical ups and downs of the past four days. But it feels like shit.
No weight loss to report.
Only one more workout. (Probably the reason for lack of weight loss, wouldn't you say?)
Monday, September 24, 2007
Tuesday, September 11, 2007
Day 8 / Anger Management
As of this morning it's been one week since I started. And I've had a lot of the usual symptoms associated with an unnecessary intake of speed. I've been way too busy to log any entries here, but you can't imagine the level of productivity! To Do's that have been sitting on my desk for months were knocked out in the first few hours of day one. I don't even remember what it feels like to be tired, and I sat through an entire Mets game last night without ever glancing away from the field.
"What did you eat?" Bryan asked.
Nothing.
"Did you drink?"
Nope.
"You didn't drink at all? Or eat anything? What did you do?" He asked.
I watched the game.
"You're a better fan than I am," he laughed.
It's just that I couldn't have looked away if I wanted to. The 20mg of amphetamines pumping through my interior prohibited me from engaging in any thoughts or actions other than the game below me. I actually watched, enjoyed, and was able to report back on all nine innings. Amazing.
Last weekend I decided to take a break for two days, as recommended by my Doctor- if you can call him that. I wouldn't have been able to run the New York marathon, but I did OK. I made it to two parties and a few bars, all told. I managed to avoid any 2am stops for pizza, and I actually didn't wake up feeling ravenous either day. Missie and I went to brunch on Sunday and I left more than half of my frittata on its plate. This was exactly the kind of response I was hoping for my body to have. In only a week, despite a few infrequent pangs, overall I am feeling neither hungry, nor NOT hungry. I am feeling a sort of indifference to food. It's wonderful.
My only complaint so far, and its a big one, is that my already uneven distemper has tilted a bit toward the evil side, from what I can tell. Some of Bryan's generally unappealing habits have become almost intolerable. Someone asking me a stupid question at work results in a hysterical attack of rage, though I try to keep it to myself. I've considered on more than one occasion actually just throwing an elbow into a crowd that isn't abiding the unspoken rules of the sidewalk or subway platform. People are disgusting me left and right, and although you might say, "You were always a bit judgemental," this - I can assure you- is much worse than usual.
I think it could be a combination of the hormones (birth control) with the Adderall that is producing this unappealing side-effect. Of course, the birth control will be the first to go.
I've tried just talking it out with my friends and boyfriend, to see if I can calm myself down. In the cases of my friends, (who are wonderful) as supportive as they may be, I can see a look in their eyes that makes me a little nervous as I speak. In fact, more than one person has looked at me strangely in the last week, which makes me think I may be a bit more cracked out than I can tell. Needless to say, Bryan -relaxed as ever- told me that my rage was just something in myself that I had to overcome, and offered little else to help me solve the problem. Unfortunately, he's right, and I hate to admit that the drugs might have something to do with it. But I suppose they might.
In the next few weeks, I'm going to try harder to remain calm, and also try to switch out the BC for something that might make me a little less hostile. In the mean time, I'll need to take deep breaths and think happy thoughts. A lot has changed in the last week, and as more and more life piles onto my plate (new job, impending move to Chicago, new kitten, etc) I get the sense that I'll really have to focus on maintaining a sense of calm, or the excitability could get the better of me. But the rest of it has been bearable, and at the end of week one, I still stand behind my decision.
Days completed: 7
Weight loss: 3lbs
Workouts: 3
"What did you eat?" Bryan asked.
Nothing.
"Did you drink?"
Nope.
"You didn't drink at all? Or eat anything? What did you do?" He asked.
I watched the game.
"You're a better fan than I am," he laughed.
It's just that I couldn't have looked away if I wanted to. The 20mg of amphetamines pumping through my interior prohibited me from engaging in any thoughts or actions other than the game below me. I actually watched, enjoyed, and was able to report back on all nine innings. Amazing.
Last weekend I decided to take a break for two days, as recommended by my Doctor- if you can call him that. I wouldn't have been able to run the New York marathon, but I did OK. I made it to two parties and a few bars, all told. I managed to avoid any 2am stops for pizza, and I actually didn't wake up feeling ravenous either day. Missie and I went to brunch on Sunday and I left more than half of my frittata on its plate. This was exactly the kind of response I was hoping for my body to have. In only a week, despite a few infrequent pangs, overall I am feeling neither hungry, nor NOT hungry. I am feeling a sort of indifference to food. It's wonderful.
My only complaint so far, and its a big one, is that my already uneven distemper has tilted a bit toward the evil side, from what I can tell. Some of Bryan's generally unappealing habits have become almost intolerable. Someone asking me a stupid question at work results in a hysterical attack of rage, though I try to keep it to myself. I've considered on more than one occasion actually just throwing an elbow into a crowd that isn't abiding the unspoken rules of the sidewalk or subway platform. People are disgusting me left and right, and although you might say, "You were always a bit judgemental," this - I can assure you- is much worse than usual.
I think it could be a combination of the hormones (birth control) with the Adderall that is producing this unappealing side-effect. Of course, the birth control will be the first to go.
I've tried just talking it out with my friends and boyfriend, to see if I can calm myself down. In the cases of my friends, (who are wonderful) as supportive as they may be, I can see a look in their eyes that makes me a little nervous as I speak. In fact, more than one person has looked at me strangely in the last week, which makes me think I may be a bit more cracked out than I can tell. Needless to say, Bryan -relaxed as ever- told me that my rage was just something in myself that I had to overcome, and offered little else to help me solve the problem. Unfortunately, he's right, and I hate to admit that the drugs might have something to do with it. But I suppose they might.
In the next few weeks, I'm going to try harder to remain calm, and also try to switch out the BC for something that might make me a little less hostile. In the mean time, I'll need to take deep breaths and think happy thoughts. A lot has changed in the last week, and as more and more life piles onto my plate (new job, impending move to Chicago, new kitten, etc) I get the sense that I'll really have to focus on maintaining a sense of calm, or the excitability could get the better of me. But the rest of it has been bearable, and at the end of week one, I still stand behind my decision.
Days completed: 7
Weight loss: 3lbs
Workouts: 3
Tuesday, September 4, 2007
Day 1 / Good Morning, Sunshine
Last night, I took a Benadryl before bed, which generally I hate doing. But the weekend was full of allergens, and I was having trouble getting to sleep. Anyway, I felt certain that the Adderall would pick me right up this morning. I had a little trouble getting out of bed, but I took the Adderall and made my way to the Subway. Upon discovering that my stop was once again out of service, I bought a Carmel Latte the size of my head and headed down to Bergen St. to catch the 2,3...which was going to extend my commute by at least 20min. Annoying. But I felt cheerful nonetheless.
I ran into Bryan on the platform, who had left ten minutes before I did, and we started chatting about the morning, the kitten (who has a cold- sad!) and our impending commute. He asked how I was feeling, this being Day 1. "I don't feel anything yet," I said, gulping my late through a straw.
"I'd like for you to take vitamins if you're going to do this," he asked. He's being more than understanding, although I can't really accurately gauge his true feelings. He's really good at letting me do what I want, even when what I want is crazy. I think that maybe, like me, he's hoping it'll make me happy. Or that it'll fail miserably like all bad experiments and that in a few weeks we'll all be back to normal and I'll have forgotten about the whole thing. Either way, I appreciate the space to make a mess of myself on my own. He'd be a good groupie if I ever became famous.
Regardless, I assured him that the point was not to STOP eating. It was to eat less, and smarter. Without the unreasonable urges to eat everything in front of me, plus some, I feel confident that I'll be able to make wiser, more reasonable food decisions.
"I'm not going to stop eating," I said. He looked at me with some skepticism, and restated- "I want you to take vitamins." Not too much to ask.
So today I will buy some vitamins, and tomorrow I will pop them along with my daily dose of speed.
I feel all right, so far. It's 11:30am, and all I've consumed this morning is that gallon of Latte, which was probably a bad choice from a caffeine standpoint. I don't need a faster heart-rate than I'm already working with. Perhaps I'll switch to decaf. I've been taking really deep breaths, which you tend to do when you're all hopped up. But otherwise I feel really clear, and not at all hungry. I've gotten a lot of work done so far this morning, and I don't at all feel like ripping someones head off. A happy side-effect. I brought some yogurt for lunch, and I think I'll have that soon. I'm going to load up on veggies and fruit- try to cut out meats and fats. Also- this stuff gives me serious dry mouth so another pleasant side-effect is going to be tons of water. Good for me!
So far, day 1 is going well. Provided I don't wind up with Parkinson's disease this afternoon, I will continue my experiment tomorrow!
I ran into Bryan on the platform, who had left ten minutes before I did, and we started chatting about the morning, the kitten (who has a cold- sad!) and our impending commute. He asked how I was feeling, this being Day 1. "I don't feel anything yet," I said, gulping my late through a straw.
"I'd like for you to take vitamins if you're going to do this," he asked. He's being more than understanding, although I can't really accurately gauge his true feelings. He's really good at letting me do what I want, even when what I want is crazy. I think that maybe, like me, he's hoping it'll make me happy. Or that it'll fail miserably like all bad experiments and that in a few weeks we'll all be back to normal and I'll have forgotten about the whole thing. Either way, I appreciate the space to make a mess of myself on my own. He'd be a good groupie if I ever became famous.
Regardless, I assured him that the point was not to STOP eating. It was to eat less, and smarter. Without the unreasonable urges to eat everything in front of me, plus some, I feel confident that I'll be able to make wiser, more reasonable food decisions.
"I'm not going to stop eating," I said. He looked at me with some skepticism, and restated- "I want you to take vitamins." Not too much to ask.
So today I will buy some vitamins, and tomorrow I will pop them along with my daily dose of speed.
I feel all right, so far. It's 11:30am, and all I've consumed this morning is that gallon of Latte, which was probably a bad choice from a caffeine standpoint. I don't need a faster heart-rate than I'm already working with. Perhaps I'll switch to decaf. I've been taking really deep breaths, which you tend to do when you're all hopped up. But otherwise I feel really clear, and not at all hungry. I've gotten a lot of work done so far this morning, and I don't at all feel like ripping someones head off. A happy side-effect. I brought some yogurt for lunch, and I think I'll have that soon. I'm going to load up on veggies and fruit- try to cut out meats and fats. Also- this stuff gives me serious dry mouth so another pleasant side-effect is going to be tons of water. Good for me!
So far, day 1 is going well. Provided I don't wind up with Parkinson's disease this afternoon, I will continue my experiment tomorrow!
Monday, September 3, 2007
The Beginning
Imperfection is beauty; madness is genius. And it’s better to be absolutely ridiculous than absolutely boring. -MM
It is the beginning, and before anything changes, I think that I should explain my reasons for all this. So that it can help us. And for my own purposes, so that I can come back if it goes wrong, and understand what I have done.
Tomorrow will be my first day on Adderall. Day 1. I plan to take 10mg/day each week day for the time that it takes me to lose 30lbs. Once I've attained my goal, I'm going to have to decide whether or not to stay on, come down, or come off entirely. And as I understand completely, there will be risks involved in all three options.
It all started very simply, and despite my frequently verbalized hesitations or concerns about acquiring the drug, I actually came by it very easily. A good friend of mine has lost nearly 50lbs on Adderall in less than a year, which he managed to have prescribed for what was probably actually a mild form of borderline personality disorder (or BPD http://www.nimh.nih.gov/publicat/bpd.cfm). Driven by his love for drugs; narcotics, prescription amphetamines, alcohol and otherwise, he managed to find a Doctor with an endless RX pad and a willing hand. As soon as the Valium he was handed initially began making him too tired, it was on to Adderall, and the weight started falling off. Soon, he was taking twice and three times the recommended dosage, and the days of drinking a bottle of Malbec and ordering four entrees of Falafel Pitas had ended. I was alone in my late night binges, and he all but melted away. I'm not judging him. It's what he is and how he copes, and I'd prefer his addictions to be monitored by doctors, when all is said and done.
And I was jealous. Here was someone, like me, who had tried. Who had failed and failed, and gone hungry, and walked endlessly, and stopped smoking and drank water, and cut out carbs and joined a gym, puked, and stopped eating after 7pm and counted calories, and here he was now, doing none of those things...nothing at all, in fact. And he was suddenly someone else. Someone thin, who didn't crave a turkey burger right after his morning yogurt parfait. Someone who wasn't half listening but thinking about the Mexican food we were on our way to eat. He looked calm, acted toward food as though it neither smelled nor looked good at all. Like it wasn't even meant to be eaten, let alone coveted. He didn't miss it. Didn't crave it, and didn't have to throw it up, or sweat it off to keep from watching the scale continue to rise. I've heard it about every diet I've ever been on. "If I can do it," they say, "then so can you." It never meant a thing, until I saw my friend win his struggle with food. And he was the one, who suddenly had all of the control.
So I read and read and studied and researched, and I thought of other options and all of the reasons why not to pursue this. And I thought of my heart, and of will-power, and of being myself and remaining above it, and of my boyfriend who loves me despite my extra layers. Of beating the bulge and sweating it off. And every time, the lust to be thin remained. And the cautions I faced, became worth to me everything I stood to gain. The speed, the control, the results- the possibility that this will work is so much better than any other possibilities that I faced as I saw it. And so I went to a doctor with a thick RX pad and a willing hand. I lied through a test that said I was in terrible need of ADD medication, I scheduled an EKG for next month as a follow up, and I filled twice the recommended dosage of Adderall at my local pharmacy later that same day.
I spent the weekend drinking white wine, rose and bottles of beer in the park, in the sunshine, in my apartment, and eating as much Labor Day weekend picnic food as anyone else. I feel fat an unhappy right now, and I'm anxious to be able to look at my lunch with indifference tomorrow. A weekend wasted, stuffing myself to feel full. I know the kind of full I'm looking for will never come from food, or from not eating food either. But I have to try this. To see if my weight, and the ever-elusive control over it, are worth what I'm about to go through.
Wish me luck!
It is the beginning, and before anything changes, I think that I should explain my reasons for all this. So that it can help us. And for my own purposes, so that I can come back if it goes wrong, and understand what I have done.
Tomorrow will be my first day on Adderall. Day 1. I plan to take 10mg/day each week day for the time that it takes me to lose 30lbs. Once I've attained my goal, I'm going to have to decide whether or not to stay on, come down, or come off entirely. And as I understand completely, there will be risks involved in all three options.
It all started very simply, and despite my frequently verbalized hesitations or concerns about acquiring the drug, I actually came by it very easily. A good friend of mine has lost nearly 50lbs on Adderall in less than a year, which he managed to have prescribed for what was probably actually a mild form of borderline personality disorder (or BPD http://www.nimh.nih.gov/publicat/bpd.cfm). Driven by his love for drugs; narcotics, prescription amphetamines, alcohol and otherwise, he managed to find a Doctor with an endless RX pad and a willing hand. As soon as the Valium he was handed initially began making him too tired, it was on to Adderall, and the weight started falling off. Soon, he was taking twice and three times the recommended dosage, and the days of drinking a bottle of Malbec and ordering four entrees of Falafel Pitas had ended. I was alone in my late night binges, and he all but melted away. I'm not judging him. It's what he is and how he copes, and I'd prefer his addictions to be monitored by doctors, when all is said and done.
And I was jealous. Here was someone, like me, who had tried. Who had failed and failed, and gone hungry, and walked endlessly, and stopped smoking and drank water, and cut out carbs and joined a gym, puked, and stopped eating after 7pm and counted calories, and here he was now, doing none of those things...nothing at all, in fact. And he was suddenly someone else. Someone thin, who didn't crave a turkey burger right after his morning yogurt parfait. Someone who wasn't half listening but thinking about the Mexican food we were on our way to eat. He looked calm, acted toward food as though it neither smelled nor looked good at all. Like it wasn't even meant to be eaten, let alone coveted. He didn't miss it. Didn't crave it, and didn't have to throw it up, or sweat it off to keep from watching the scale continue to rise. I've heard it about every diet I've ever been on. "If I can do it," they say, "then so can you." It never meant a thing, until I saw my friend win his struggle with food. And he was the one, who suddenly had all of the control.
So I read and read and studied and researched, and I thought of other options and all of the reasons why not to pursue this. And I thought of my heart, and of will-power, and of being myself and remaining above it, and of my boyfriend who loves me despite my extra layers. Of beating the bulge and sweating it off. And every time, the lust to be thin remained. And the cautions I faced, became worth to me everything I stood to gain. The speed, the control, the results- the possibility that this will work is so much better than any other possibilities that I faced as I saw it. And so I went to a doctor with a thick RX pad and a willing hand. I lied through a test that said I was in terrible need of ADD medication, I scheduled an EKG for next month as a follow up, and I filled twice the recommended dosage of Adderall at my local pharmacy later that same day.
I spent the weekend drinking white wine, rose and bottles of beer in the park, in the sunshine, in my apartment, and eating as much Labor Day weekend picnic food as anyone else. I feel fat an unhappy right now, and I'm anxious to be able to look at my lunch with indifference tomorrow. A weekend wasted, stuffing myself to feel full. I know the kind of full I'm looking for will never come from food, or from not eating food either. But I have to try this. To see if my weight, and the ever-elusive control over it, are worth what I'm about to go through.
Wish me luck!
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